Howdy, all! Notice a change or two around the blog? I was getting sort of bored with the old look, and houndstooth is my FAVORITE pattern ever. I decided to spice it up a bit.
Ok, and now here is when things get serious.
Lately, I have been having a lot of trouble with body image. How I look, how I feel, etc. And in return, I have led myself into an eating frenzy out of stress and frustration. It’s almost a “see it, eat it, anything goes” kind of deal. And then, after I eat, I feel just as much stress for having eaten so much. It’s an endless cycle.
I have also had little motivation because I am just so down in the dumps about it. One time Trav and I were driving back to school, and I just broke down in tears about how much I can’t stand the way I look and feel, and also about how much weight I have gained in the last year.
Back about a year ago, I was at what I felt was a great weight for me. Being a shorty and only coming to 5’3” on a good day, I was about 130 pounds. I mean, it wasn’t the thinnest I could be and still be healthy at that height, but a lot of it was muscle, and I will admit to having huge child bearing hips that never go away.
Back when I had muscle definition, was a size six, and had hair like Medusa.
I weighed myself yesterday, though, at was 155 pounds. I am not okay with that. I realize weight isn’t everything, but I feel like I have to suck in my stomach to even fit into my jeans…and these are jeans that are two sizes larger than the ones I was wearing last year. I can’t stand it. It is driving me insane…I am stressed, my face is breaking out. I know I am all-around a mean person from time to time out of frustration…and I am sure Travis can justify that.
How I am feeling isn’t how I would like to feel. I am beyond frustrated and just don’t know what to do. I have tried eating less, but it lasts about 3 days until a late night binge begins and all of my hard work washes right down the drain.
Hopefully, training for this marathon will enable me to become motivated enough to lose the extra pounds. If I had the money, I would buy myself a personal trainer or nutritionist to help me, but I am a poor college student working 4 jobs…
Along with the marathon training, yesterday I woke up for day 1 and the roads were covered in snow and extremely icy. It turned into a home spin session instead. Not getting off to the best start. Roads are better today, though, so I am going to get out for a few miles.
I just wish I knew where to start with this whole weight loss thing. I used to be motivated but I lost it all along the road. I think I just need a new brain. One that is motivated and understands what should and shouldn’t be fueling my body. The stress is more than I felt when I was taking my finals a few weeks back. I just don’t think I can take it anymore. I need to get my life back together but I don’t know how to do so.
For some reason, I know what I should be eating, but can’t force myself to make the healthy decisions. I also know how much I should be eating, but the same thing goes for portion control.
Does anyone have any suggestions? I know there are some of you out there who may have felt as I do now. And many of you have lost weight in a healthy way. Do you have an tips for me? Any words of wisdom? Anything would be greatly appreciated
On a side note, I subbed yesterday alongside Harebert Hoover. Bahaha
Sorry for the long post. I just am at my wit’s end with this whole thing. Although the scheduled run is only 3 miles today, hopefully it helps with a little mind clearing.
Hope everyone is enjoying the new year thus far!