A New Me

Howdy, all! Notice a change or two around the blog? I was getting sort of bored with the old look, and houndstooth is my FAVORITE pattern ever.  I decided to spice it up a bit.

Ok, and now here is when things get serious.

Lately, I have been having a lot of trouble with body image.  How I look, how I feel, etc.  And in return, I have led myself into an eating frenzy out of stress and frustration.  It’s almost a “see it, eat it, anything goes” kind of deal. And then, after I eat, I feel just as much stress for having eaten so much.  It’s an endless cycle.

I have also had little motivation because I am just so down in the dumps about it.  One time Trav and I were driving back to school, and I just broke down in tears about how much I can’t stand the way I look and feel, and also about how much weight I have gained in the last year.

Back about a year ago, I was at what I felt was a great weight for me.  Being a shorty and only coming to 5’3” on a good day, I was about 130 pounds.  I mean, it wasn’t the thinnest I could be and still be healthy at that height, but a lot of it was muscle, and I will admit to having huge child bearing hips that never go away.

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Back when I had muscle definition, was a size six, and had hair like Medusa.

I weighed myself yesterday, though, at was 155 pounds.  I am not okay with that.  I realize weight isn’t everything, but I feel like I have to suck in my stomach to even fit into my jeans…and these are jeans that are two sizes larger than the ones I was wearing last year.  I can’t stand it.  It is driving me insane…I am stressed, my face is breaking out.  I know I am all-around a mean person from time to time out of frustration…and I am sure Travis can justify that. 

How I am feeling isn’t how I would like to feel.  I am beyond frustrated and just don’t know what to do.  I have tried eating less, but it lasts about 3 days until a late night binge begins and all of my hard work washes right down the drain. 

Hopefully, training for this marathon will enable me to become motivated enough to lose the extra pounds.  If I had the money, I would buy myself a personal trainer or nutritionist to help me, but I am a poor college student working 4 jobs… 

Along with the marathon training, yesterday I woke up for day 1 and the roads were covered in snow and extremely icy.  It turned into a home spin session instead.  Not getting off to the best start.  Roads are better today, though, so I am going to get out for a few miles.

I just wish I knew where to start with this whole weight loss thing.  I used to be motivated but I lost it all along the road.  I think I just need a new brain.  One that is motivated and understands what should and shouldn’t be fueling my body.  The stress is more than I felt when I was taking my finals a few weeks back.  I just don’t think I can take it anymore. I need to get my life back together but I don’t know how to do so. 

For some reason, I know what I should be eating, but can’t force myself to make the healthy decisions.  I also know how much I should be eating, but the same thing goes for portion control.

Does anyone have any suggestions? I know there are some of you out there who may have felt as I do now.  And many of you have lost weight in a healthy way.  Do you have an tips for me? Any words of wisdom? Anything would be greatly appreciated Smile

On a side note, I subbed yesterday alongside Harebert Hoover. Bahaha

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Sorry for the long post.  I just am at my wit’s end with this whole thing.  Although the scheduled run is only 3 miles today, hopefully it helps with a little mind clearing.

Hope everyone is enjoying the new year thus far!

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15 Comments

Filed under Exercise, Food, Life, Weight

15 responses to “A New Me

  1. Hey-I would actually really like to talk to you (or listen) not on the blog so shoot me an email/fb messege ect. Anyways-I have def felt like that via when I had to gain weight and lose it for different sports and what not and I’d love to chat more! Oh and here is my email lolzthatswim@gmail.com! 🙂

  2. Aww I LOVE Harebert Hoover! 😀

    I wish I knew something that would help you, but I’ve got nothing. 😦 A lot of people say “just focus on being healthy, don’t obsess over weight, and your body will just naturally drop extra weight when you stop stressing about it” but I’ve never seen that to be true, in my personal experience. But, I think you should TRY to accept your current size, not to keep it permanent, but just to relieve a lot of the stress that comes with being unhappy with yourself. When I finally accepted myself it was such a change. It doesn’t mean I’ll stay at this weight, or that I LIKE being X amount of pounds, but everything was just so much better when I stopped constantly berating myself.

  3. Love the new look!

    I definitely know how you feel. For the longest time I wanted to lose about 10 lbs., but no matter what I tried, they didn’t come off. I finally DID lose the weight when I stopped thinking “I’m on a diet,” but still remained conscience of what I was eating & what my activity level was. That seemed to work for me, along with adding in extra cardio (I had been doing plenty of strength training, but not a lot of cardio).

    PS – I have huge hips too! 🙂

  4. Brittany Jeffries

    I was very moved by your post because I have been feeling the same way lately. I have also gained weight and I am very frustrated with myself because I know what I SHOULD be doing, but I am seriously lacking motivation. I went through a phase a few years ago and I lost a lot of weight. I ate small portions, and tried to cut as many carbs and sugar as possible. Running was key in my weight loss, so your training for a marathon should definitely help! Here’s to a year of healthier lifestyles for the both of us 🙂

  5. Brittany @ Itty Bits of Balance

    Girl, I feel you 100%. You pretty much described my every emotion up until the age of 18, and it was NOT a very fun thing to go through high school at a weight that I was not comfortable with and that I had no idea how to control.

    Fortunately though, just know that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel! Why don’t you try making small changes here and there first, rather than cutting out everything at once? That is what personally works for me (because there truly is only so long that I can go without chocolate 😉 )

    Also, keep in mind that because you were once at a comfortable weight, your body will react to changes much quicker than someone who had never been healthy to begin with. If you need ANY help or motivation, I am always here to chat! I know how degrading and overpowering your brain can be, because mine gets the same way too. Thank goodness we have some great boyfriends to put up with us 8)

    Keep your head up!

  6. Im right there with you sister! today has not been good. BUUTTT im hitting the gym tomorrow and going to develop some sort of plan. Do I need to write stuff down? put a picture on the frig? get the junk food out of my house (im actually working on this one) I also need to start meal planning.
    if you need anythign let me know! Im here for yoU!

  7. Hi Nikki! I am sorry your are struggling right now with feeling comfortable with yourself. I know how hard that can be, just feeling “wrong” about your body on so many levels. You are telling us that you are not comfortable at this weight right now, and that is just fine. I believe that focusing less on losing weight and more on simply nourishing yourself, will help you to reach a point that you feel good at.
    I know what you might be thinking- this type of advice is always shouted at you.. “it’s not a diet, it’s a lifestyle” kind of thing. But I have found myself that the less I actually focus on the “food” and more on what makes me feel good, my body is beginning to stabilize. For me that meant gaining weight from a number that was just too small for my muscular/large frame. For you, it will be about losing a few pounds and then reaching a point where you can maintain

  8. AntosDoesLife

    Hey girl, I was definitely in that same spot 2 years ago. I stopped running because I started college and wasn’t on the team anymore. I gained 20 lbs at school and was so uncomfortable and unhappy. I somehow started dating my current fiance (even thought I felt like crap) and decided I needed a change. I picked up a book from Runner’s World called “The Runner’s Diet” and started cutting calories, around 500 a day. I also tracked everything on Spark People…I posted about it today actually! It’s a great site and if you join we can be friends! 🙂

    But it just takes a really big moment for you to determine that you WANT this. Once I started losing weight, I enjoyed the compliments I was getting and the clothes I could fit in. You will get there too…as I am trying to get back to that point now!

    Just a caveat though, they generally suggest not to try to lose weight while you’re training for the marathon. That’s why I track my stuff on Spark People and am only allowing myself to cut 500 calories each day. If you run 18 miles, and burn 1800 calories…you need to refuel or else you might get sick, risk injury, or worse. So please be careful about that, like I am trying to do now!

    And let me know if you have any questions or just want to chat! 🙂 Everything in moderation.

  9. Love the look of the blog! I am sorry you are down about this! I completely understand. Stopping swimming and putting on the pounds was hard for me. I have found a healthy balance with stuff and have lost about 10 pounds from my high weight (about the same as yours actually!) through moderation and exercise..but I do allow myself to eat pizza, and I am still 10 pounds over what I was when I swam, and I’m OK with that. Don’t let yourself compare yourself to an earlier version of you! Don’t deprive yourself, and it will be easier not to binge. And email me at any time. bagleyjessica@gmail.com. 🙂

  10. Love the new blog look! 🙂
    I know exactly how you feel! I’ve had a lot of problems with body image in the past and still struggle with it a lot sometimes. It can be really annoying and tough!
    Maybe you could find a new sport/exercise that you’d like? Just try not to focus on losing rhe pounds too much. Focus on eating healthy, being healthy and having fun with life! 🙂

  11. I think a lot of us have felt how you have felt and struggled in the same way! Dealing with weight gain and loss and trying to achieve what you want to achieve with it is difficult! Sometimes we just feel like giving up because it feels like where we want to be is so far away. I think the best advice I can give is talk to people who have been in or are in your situation – I know there are plenty of bloggers – and they are usually willing to listen and give the best advice since they know exactly how it feels.

    Keep your head up!!

  12. Aaah! How awesome is Harebert Hoover!? Love the new layout!!

  13. Nikki myself and so many others can relate to how you are feeling. I understand how it feels to put on weight and just not be okay with it (I’m only 5 ft tall)! I think you have to give yourself a little more wiggle room than being so down on yourself. It is possible to shed the weight, maybe not as fast as you like, but in a more even approach — don’t try to tackle it all at once! Have a small treat each night after dinner and make sure you’re filling up on protein during the day. You’ll get there. We are all behind you!

  14. Kim @ Eat, Live, and Blog

    I’m sorry about what you’re going through. I wish I could tell you that eating right and exercise regularly would work (and it does) but it takes time and lots of motivation. I used to be in your same position. I was really stressed out and just eat whatever it is in sight. But once I stop trying to lose weight and not focus so much on it, the weight went off by itself. I really don’t know how.

    I hope things will get better soon Nikki, and no what you are always beautiful. 🙂

  15. Jessica LaRosa

    Hey Nikki – I know I rarely comment on blogs these days, but I wanted to offer some suggestions for how you’re feeling. Everyone’s advice has been great & supportive, but I thought I’d try to add more specific ideas.
    1. Don’t buy “junk food” and don’t keep it in your house. That way when you’re hungry and it’s midnight & you’re stressed out, you have to eat an orange because there aren’t any cookies.
    2. If you feel like you might binge, brush your teeth / gargle mouthwash. It really prevents you from eating since you feel clean, and because the “cool” flavor actually stimulates a “skinny” feeling.
    3. Buy some fun flavored herbal teas & make those when you feel like chowing down. I have Celestial Seasonings “Sugar Cookie Sleigh Ride” tea – add some Splenda, and it tastes like liquid cookies with 0% of the guilt.
    4. Don’t do anything drastic because it will stress you out even more. If you cut out all sweets at once, you’ll crave them. Promise yourself a cookie after a good workout or something like that. That way you know you get to have one and it’s not a forbidden fantasy.
    5. Drink an excessive amount of water. It helps give you that “full” feeling and helps portion control at meals because it will fill you up along with the meal. If you’re craving something sweeter, buy Crystal Light (they even have Crystal Light Natural now so you’re not downing aspartame).
    6. Judge your figure by measurements and body fat – and not by weight. A lot of runners gain weight with marathon training, but their bodies are obviously super toned.
    Alright – this was super long, but hopefully helpful. Best of luck & remember – everyone feels this way after the holidays – it goes away 🙂

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